On the path of self discovery

On the path of self discovery, we begin to see, understand and accept those parts of us that are less attractive. Those parts are sometimes referred to as our shadow side. It is called shadow because it is our dark side and tends to make us react instantly and without thought until it is too late and the evidence of our actions have become blatantly obvious, leaving destruction and hurt in our wake. Not just in our relation to others, but often in relation to ourselves as well.

This is also called shadow, as it is hidden from our sight. We are so identified with this behaviour that we think that it is always because of outside factors that our buttons are being pushed. But it is us who is doing the reacting, it is us who feels the pain. We might think we are naturally generous and compassionate people, that we are social and fun-loving, but there is also another part of us that is wounded and that lashes out when we feel threatened or need to protect our fragile ego... our shadow side. So we keep behaving in ways that cover up the less attractive, shadow part by pleasing others (being generous), showing love (being compassionate) and be the clown at every party (social and fun-loving), until it no longer works and actually creates a problem in our lives... until our inability to say "no" gets us into trouble or until our inauthentic love keeps bringing us inauthentic partners that disrespect us and only care about themselves or until our hunger for relationships leaves us exhausted. Realizing that something isn't working anymore can be painful and our life may seem to be falling apart, yet if we are willing, these moments can actually be seen as Grace and as an opportunity to understand, witness, learn and grow. Rather than fighting to keep control, we have an opportunity to surrender, to bow down in humility and receive the lesson.

I saw one of my own shadow tendencies tonight. This particular pattern is very familiar to me and I have been working with it for quite a number of years. I thought I was doing well and that some of it was shifting and becoming less active, but tonight, as I was walking around this venue filled with everything you could possibly want to plan your wedding or party, I realized that I was feeling a sense of emptiness inside me. I realized I felt lonely and that I did not feel whole. I wanted a relationship, a partner and not having one felt like something was greatly lacking in my life and therefor happiness and fullfilment was lacking. I felt a desire toward something that was missing and wanted my life (or that very moment) to be different. I felt "less then". These feelings are a clear sign to me that I am thinking something that is rooted in wanting (something different). I recognize that feeling easily enough these days and I thought: 'wow, that is still there. I still do not feel whole and completely okay with my life or myself at this present moment.'

And that is okay.

This is why I felt inspired to write this blog today. It was a revelation to me that that, which I thought I was in the process of releasing, was still active. I am not sure to what degree it has been released or to what degree it is still active and that is not important. I do not need to judge my process or my own evolution. I tend to do that sometimes, but have come to the realization that the only thing that is important is that I noticed it when it is happening and active and that I witness it without attaching any story, any emotion or any judgment to it.

I believe that this is really all we need to do: become the observer and witness our tendencies. When we become the observer we remove ourselves from our "story" of who we think we are and what we think the world is, and in that moment a space is created for something else to take its place, for another story to be created. In my own case, I guess a new story is in the process of being created and is still taking shape. As I continue on the path of self discovery and begin to understand and accept all aspects of myself that are made up by a story, as I then uncover all aspects of myself that are authentic and real, a freedom to 'be' takes the place of limited beliefs, a sense of power takes the place of disabling fear and 'I can't' is being replaced by 'I am'.